Dating Married Men

By Miss Rikki

SistaGirlz, have you ever been smiled at or looked at a little to long by a guy who was obviously with his woman?  What about being approached by a man after having seen him with his significant other?  Or have you been propositioned by a man who you know (and he knows you know) is married?

Recently, Fantasia and Alicia Keys have been in the headlines because they are both romantically linked to married men.  Maybe it’s me, but I expected more from these young ladies.  I mean, yes women entertain married men everyday, but these ladies are in the spotlight.  The world is watching and whether they like it or night they are role models for some young girls out here.

Fantasia pubicly denied having a relationship with Antwaun Cook – the married father of two – from early November, when the story broke, to early January.  Later pictures surfaced of her with his last name plastered on her left shoulder area and boo’d up with him in Barbados for the Barbados Music Awards.  Clearly, she lied.  Which means she obviously recognizes she’s wrong.  So why does she continue the relationship?  I guess half a man is better than no man at all (I say that with complete sarcasm because she must be half crazy if she thinks that to be true).

And then there is Alicia Keys.  She has never denied her relationship with Swizz Beats, but his wife, Mashonda, does state that  he was involved with Alicia prior to any separation.  He, of course, denies that Alicia was a contributing factor in their break-up.  But then why would Mashonda not know that you were accompanying Ms. Keys on her European tour last summer?  I mean, if you all were in agreement that you were separated and all?  Whatever the timeline of events, one thing is certain – Swizzy and Mashonda are still married.   So why on earth is Alicia sporting what looks to be an engagement ring?  And she has bought a home with this man! SMH!  I don’t get it.  To be fair, I fully understand that Swizz Beats has a lot of money and it may take time for he and his wife to reach an agreement as far as a settlement is concerned.  Still, he should complete his business with his wife before moving on as if she never existed.  I mean really.

SistaGirlz, it’s time that we take responsibility for ourselves.  How dare a man involved with another women even approach us?  We have to realize that men who cheat on their wives, or leave their families for other women are, well, LOSERS.  I am not and will never be attracted to any man who cannot stand as a man and take care of his personal business and responsibilities before endulging in pleasure.  It’s sickening.  And what’s more sickening is that we, women, allow it to continue to happen.  For the life of me I can’t figure out why some of us have that “Well, she must not be taking care of him,” etc. attitude.  It matters not what she is or isn’t doing and whatever he says he’s not getting he should take up with her – the woman he stood before God with and promised to love, honor, and cherish for better or worse til death do they part, not you.  I beg of you SistaGirlz, BEHAVE LIKE A LADY.  Because when you sleep with dogs, you eventually get fleas.

Daddy Issues

By Miss Rikki

What are you looking for in a relationship?  Is it companionship, love, support, or all the things you never got from your father?  SistaGirlz, in my adult life I have realized that many times we go into a relationship trying to fill the void we have from the things our father didn’t do.  I know women who have abandonment issues, need to be in love all the time, and even are super concerned with being taken care of financially all because of what their daddies didn’t do.

Now, I know that not every single one of you had a “bad dad.” I also know that even if your dad was great there is still a possibility that there is something that you felt was missing, but my point is this:  Stop using relationships to fill the void!  Why?  Because you put too much pressure on a person to behave in a specific way in order for you to feel satisfied.  Love becomes conditional and as soon as they falter in your need area you feel all out of sorts and ready to break down.

Get whole on your own.  I remember a long time ago, Tyra Banks said on her show that she spent years and years being upset with her father for what he didn’t do.  Then one day she realized the only person it was hurting was herself because he had no idea.  She was unhappy, but he was just fine.  SistaGirlz, it’s time to stop being a victim of a situation from the past.  It’s time to move past that and on to a brighter future.

If you’re single, take time to figure out where you are emotionally, where you want to be, and what it is going to take for you to get there.  I know with the recent newscast concerning Black women and marriage a lot of us, I’m including myself, are a little nervous about our chances of finding a lifetime mate.  But I can tell you that if you don’t get your mental and emotional state together, you are sure to be checking the single box on every tax form, new doctor’s paperwork, and job application from here to eternity.

If you need to go to therapy…GO.  If you need to confront your father about how you feel…DO IT.  Do whatever it takes to get whole.  Whole healthy people are more likely to have healthy relationships and healthy relationships are more likely to last.

Is Your Love Love?

By Leandra Williams 

So much of our worlds are inherited. Often times, what we think about ourselves, about others, how we behave and cope with emotional stress, our expectations as it relates to career, love, and life in general, and so much more are all passed down to us from the people we interact with and from what we read or hear. Children are perfect little recorders of their environments. They pick up the vocabulary, the dialect, and all the subtleties of the human behavior surrounding them. Because of that, the emotional space a child grow up in plays a major role in how they experience and demonstrate their emotions throughout life.

My last relationship was my first adult relationship, and I went into it stumbling, wanting this love, yet very fearful. Much of the time we were together, instead of placing my trust in my partner and what we were building, I was afraid to really open myself up and let him in, let him know where I’d been and what I battled with. In being dishonest with myself, I was dishonest with him. I thought I knew how to love, but I didn’t. The reality was that I didn’t know how to love myself, so I didn’t know how to love him and I felt sort of inept the whole time we were together. Why couldn’t I open up? Why couldn’t I articulate my feelings? Why was I so afraid to be vulnerable and discuss my emotions? Why couldn’t I treat him the way he needed and deserved to be treated?

One word: dysfunction. I was dysfunctional.

My journey has brought me back home for a little while and as uncomfortable as being here has been for me, I understand the importance of this return, especially as it relates to understanding my dysfunction. In true “there’s got to be something wrong with me” fashion, I initially owned it, as though I taught it to myself how to be dysfunctional. But I didn’t; like so many others in the world, I inherited it.

Why must we be the change we wish to see in the world? Because we don’t even recognize who all is watching and learning from us, and we don’t know exactly what they’re learning. I inherited my parents’ emotional limitations. Keeping everything bottled in was a norm. So were explosive reactions, yelling, not communicating at all, making a scene of being upset yet unwilling to discuss why, being hurtful because we were hurt. It was a mess. It is a mess. And only now as I unfurl all this emotional junk do I understand how I can never have a healthy relationship with these behavioral patterns.

We’ve all heard that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Unfortunately, for some reason, many people believe they’re like dogs and that their personalities, after a certain point, become static. That is only true for the person who accepts it as true. In reality, we always have the power to change. Growing pains seem to keep so many stagnant, despite the rewards being worth the challenges several times over.

Continuous self-analysis is a permanent part of growth. Whatever doesn’t grow is dead. Open yourself up to more life by constantly analyzing yourself and seeing where you can grow and improve weaknesses. The way you love will be how you teach your children to love. The way you love yourself is the way you will love others. The solution to almost everything in the world is more self-love. The more you love yourself, the deeper your capacity to honestly love others. The more love others feel, the more they learn how to return it and do; it’s cyclical. Let’s be conscious to pass on love, not dysfunction.

Violence is Violence

By Miss Rikki

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a friend’s status comment, or it may have even been a wall post on her Facebook page.  On it she said something to the effect of Rhianna’s domestic violence situation being vastly different from the thousands of women who have to walk on egg shells at home trying not to get beaten.  Then there were the comments.  Some said they agreed and she clearly had to have done something to set him off.  Needless to say, I WAS DISGUSTED.  I wanted to add a comment of my own, but I decided to write this article instead.  I know in FB world that status and the series of comments that went along with it are ancient, but after all this time it has really stuck with me.  So I’m climbing up onto my soapbox to Speak On this topic.  Here it goes…

How dare anyone who has not been a victim of, or a witness to – and therefore still a victim of – domestic violence have the audacity to make such an assertion about a serious matter that they have never been privy to.  Before I go on, I will admit that I did not ask anyone if they had ever been a victim of domestic violence, but I can say that based on the way the topic was presented and the comments that followed none of those young ladies have had any first-hand experience with that type of situation.  I will also note that I am qualified to discuss this matter.

Moving on…

To say that her situation is vastly different than any other battered woman is beyond ridiculous.  The only two things that make the situation a little bit different is 1)the people involved are celebrities and therefore the whole world knew about it and 2)she had enough sense/or was pressured by her managers , family, or responsibility to her fans to get out. 

Let’s discuss what is the same, shall we. 

• She was assaulted by her partner whom she deeply loved.
• At the time she feared for her life. He threatened to kill her and told her she was really gonna get it when they got home.
• She went back to him. A fact she admitted to Diane Sawyer during her interview. It was only for a short time, but she did it.
• She witnessed domestic violence as a child.
• She feels shame from the event.

Those women and Rhianna are one in the same.  They too were beaten one day, only they stayed.  Unfortunately they didn’t have the fame, money, and fan support to help them leave a toxic situation. 

Furthermore, the assertion that she did something to “provoke” him into beating her is like saying cashiers at gas stations provoke masked gunmen to come in and steal money from the register.  Whatever she said or did was no more a provocation than the money in the cash register.  We all know gas stations have money in cash registers, but we don’t all come barging in with a ski mask on, pull a gun on the clerk, and demand money.  Why?  Because we have self control, morals, good sense, etc.  Each and every person on this planet is responsible for what they do with their own bodies.  At the moment he felt ready to put his hands on her, he should have stopped the car and walked away from the situation.  It was his responsibility not to let the situation escalate to that level because he was the one who could have prevented it.  He lost control.   No matter what she did or said, there is no justification for assaulting someone – NONE.

Sigh…

Sistagirlz, it really saddens me that people are so naïve.  So, before I jump down off my soapbox I want to say one last thing - Until you have been in the situation I suggest you keep your mouth shut about it.

I Am Not My Hair

By Shantell Huggins aka Ms Royalty

 

But are the starlets starting this trend or has the public been on it for a while and they are just now catching up? I do know that the TWA (teeny weeny afro, for those of you who don’t know) was being rocked well before Solange’s new cut. Also, there were far more Rihannaesque cuts in the 90s before she got her fierce trim. Cassie’s edgy style was out in the late 80s early 90s with that whole “Salt & Pepper” look.  So, are these hairstyles new and innovative or just old and haven’t been seen on celebrities for a few years? You decide… and which ever one you choose to get, continue to stay Vicious!

Self-Esteem 101

By Shante Milow

Have you ever tried on a shirt and couldn’t pull it down or could barely button and bought it anyway because it made you look sexy? Have you ever bought a pair of pants or jeans that look painted on and you have to lie on the bed and suck in your stomach to button?  Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt bad about how you look? 

If the answer to any of these questions is yes then you may have a self-esteem issue. And I’m not just talking to plus-sized women.  I have seen average sized women try to squeeze into clothes they can’t fit as well.  SistaGirlz, you cannot boost your self esteem but putting on clothes that display what’s meant to be concealed. Guys will look at you and call you all types of names or will try and kick game only to get you in the bed and once they get the goods, off they go. 

How you dress and present yourself plays a big part in avoiding these types of situations. However, once the above happens and you never see the guy again your self esteem is lowered and you seek other methods to boost your esteem.  Please understand that you don’t need another individual to boost the esteem that’s within you.  I know.  I used to be the female that would put on the tight clothes and show off what’s not meant to be seen.  My self esteem was really low until I met my husband.  He helped me realize that I had to love myself first in order to love someone else. So SistaGirlz, take a step back and really look at yourself.  You’re beautiful and do not need anyone else’s approval to boost your self esteem.

*picture from sheworships.com

Modern Woman vs Traditional Man

By Dominique Preston

 

 

Cook, clean, have children, and pretty much play the submissive role; the duties of the traditional woman. I have deemed myself a modern woman — wanting to be a bread winner and being a mother isn’t even on my radar yet. Not to mention knowing very little about cooking and even less about cleaning. Of course this is a problem.  Now-a-days you should be a well rounded person.

Here’s my issue –men telling me that being a modern woman is the symbolic castration of men. I have had many arguments recently with men saying that’s the reason a lot of women are single.  A woman too focused on their career to cater to a man’s well being becomes old and bitter. I am not here to man bash but this utterly disgusts me. With time comes change and usually for the better. How could another human being be against another human being’s finding their purpose and causing needed social change?   

I feel the issue isn’t women’s trend to change but men’s overall stubbornness to change with the times. I always hear what a “real” man is.  A man provides, a man will cheat, and a man must have control. If that is what a “real” man is, then I’d rather be single.  I feel a real man is one who will do anything to make his family or unit work.  A real man is someone willing to compromise and puts his family before his own selfish needs. This goes for real women too.

Submissiveness is not included; I am my own person with her own life, thoughts, body, ideas, and dreams. My role is to be me, not to play happy homemaker for some guy. And at the end of the day, I can’t have my life based off the happiness of someone else’s existence. 

Ready. Set. Go: Get Motivated….!!

                                                                                By Miss Rikki

“Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a Lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle… when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.” – Unknown

Hey SistaGirlz I want to ask you a very important question.  What have you done today, this week, or this month to empower yourself for the success you want? 

First let’s talk about what it means to empower yourself.  Funk and Wagnalls dictionary’s definition of “empower” is: 1. To authorize; delegate authority to  and 2. To enable;permit.  This means that you have to allow yourself to achieve the success you want.  You have to give yourself the authority over your life and the permission to be successful.  Empowered women do not let things happen to them, they make things happen for them. 

The biggest and hardest obstacle to being totally empowered is fear.  A long time ago I heard fear described as an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real.”  I thought it was ingenious!  We often think of all the possible undesirable outcomes, i.e. the false evidence, and convince ourselves that they will happen, i.e.  we make it appear real.  The truth is we don’t know what will happen.  But that shouldn’t be scary.  We need to realize that is the beauty of a journey.  If you know your destination then you can take the time to enjoy the journey to that destination.  Yes there will be twists and turns.  Yes there will be some unexpected obstacles to climb over and scoot under.  But it all leads you to where you want to be and it makes you more prepared when you get there.

SistaGirlz, right now is the time to set your goals and begin working towards the life that you want to have.  The life that will make you happy.  We only have a short amount of time here on earth to accomplish our dreams and goals, so we have to use it wisely!  Get serious about you.  It’s time to get your grind on.  Don’t let anything stop you; not kids, not where you live, not lack of money, not anything!  There is always a way.  You just have to pay attention to the opportunities that pop up around you.  Seriously, once you set your mind to really achieving your goals, you will be surprised at all the doors, windows, and sometimes crawl spaces that open for you.     

So I’ll ask you again.  What have you done today, this week, or this month to empower yourself for the success you want?  Well, you’re on this site and you read this article so that’s a start.  Now get out there and hit the ground running!

We Are NOT Groupies!!

                      By Dominique Preston

   This article is speaking to all the SistaGirlz out there that are trying to break into the industry without selling their souls or their bodies.  These past few months has been a very eye opening experience for me trying to pursue my professional aspirations of becoming involved in television production.  I graduate in May so I have been really beating the streets for a job. So the more contacts I make, the more disgusted I am with men in the industry. Not all of them, but a good amount.

It seems when some men in the industry are attracted to you they feel they can speak to you any way they want. As if their money and/or status gives them the right to say the first demeaning thing that pops into their immature heads.  I had a man ask me to come spend the night after only a 2 minute conversation. What the &%^$!!!! In what world is that ok? Excuse my language sistagirlz but I need to get this off my chest.

My skin has gotten a whole lot thicker which I’m very thankful for but this whole game is getting really old.  We are left in the worst position. If we play along with their dumb games you are just setting yourself up to be used and if you aren’t receptive to their advances then you’re being a b*&#@ or stank.

I have been more conscious of how I dress, how long I smile at a person, keeping the conversation strictly business just to avoid any confusion on my intentions and I still am talked down to! I realize a lot of the blame does lie on women too.  For everyone woman out there that will say no there are just as many that will say yes. That is a problem. If you cant recognize how precious you are and let another person, male or female, take advantage of that, breaking in the industry is the least of your problems. 

So any man who is out there who has spoken to me or any other woman who refused to play by your rules, WE ARE NOT GROUPIES. Because a man has status and/or a lot of money does not make them God’s gift. I am an intelligent female who has a lot to bring to the table professionally, if you can’t recognize that then it is your lose. Ladies please stay true to yourself and recognize if you don’t demand respect, no one will do it for you. Have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

 

If you are a man that is not included in this, please don’t take offense. Ladies if you have some advice, please Speak On It! 

Stop the Sista on Sista HATE!

Stop the Hate, Increase the Compliments: A Stepping Stone to Becoming Truly Empowered and Successful!                                                By Miss Rikki

Alright SistaGirlz, the time has come for us to check ourselves.  You are on this site because you want to be a part of a movement to empower women for success, right?  So here it is.  The obstacle that keeps us from reaching our highest heights; you know it and I know it.  Ahhh yes ladies, we must STOP HATING on one another.

I know I know it’s hard cause she thinks she cute and you can’t stand that, but let’s be honest.  You think she’s cute too.  And even in the age of extreme homophobia, it’s ok to acknowledge that another woman has got it goin’ on.

What got me on this?  First it was hearing Keri Hilson’s remix to her song “Turning Me Off.”  Have you heard it?  On it she spits lyrics like “I shot the sheriff/but wait til I shoot these b*tches down… You can dance,she can sing, but need to move it to the left/she need to go have some babies/she need to sit down she fadin/them other chicks ain’t even worth my time to talk about.”  Wow!  It seems that she is dissing every other chick in the game, but has singled out Beyonce, who at one point talked about having kids and with the obvious to the left reference, and maybe even Ciara.  I couldn’t believe it.

Then there was the whole Etta James fiasco.  Mad because President Obama opted for Beyonce instead of her to sing her song “At Last,” James says Obama is not her president, Beyonce had no business up there singing her song, and “she gon get her ass whooped.”  Again, wow!  And after Beyonce honored her singing that very same song at Grammy Awards… Umm, umm, ummmph.

Ladies, let’s let these two unfortunate situations teach us a very valuable lesson.  IT IS UNATTRACTIVE TO BE A HATER.  I mean really.  Clearly “Ms. Kerri Baby” and Etta James need to take a look inward and check themselves.  It’s awful.

I have an idea.  How about instead of hating, give a compliment.  Let her know you like her shoes, her hair, or whatever!  Let’s uplift one another instead of putting each other down.  Try it!  See how much better you feel throughout your day without all that negativity hanging around.

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